Piss-Party Season Gets Underway in Florida

Thousands Rally, Using Waterways as Their Toilet and Wading Pool

Peter Swanson Jun 6

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Yesterday was “Boater Skip Day” in our neck of the woods, as a rally of open-boat partygoers anchored and rafted at a sandbar in the St. Johns River of North Florida. For the purposes of this story, just substitute the name for this kind of event wherever you call home in this great “Urination” of ours.

I kid my fellow Americans. But Loose Cannon does have its own name for it: Frolic-in-other-people’s-piss day. Judging by Facebook comments on previous occasions, we’re not alone in this assessment:

“Pool of piss.”

“World’s largest outdoor toilet party.”

“Like standing in a sewer.”

“A different version of a golden shower.”

“Elbow to elbow in piss water.”

“Boater Skip Day” happens off Bayard Point, a few miles south of Green Cove Springs on the St. Johns River and draws thousands of North Florida people, mostly in center-consoles and pontoon boats, vessels not typically equipped with indoor plumbing.

Yeah, it’s as if the Woodstock music festival had happened not in mud, but in three and a half feet of water mixed with a measurable dose of liquid human waste.

900 Gallons

Measurable because we are a predictable species when it comes to urinating. Even when we are not pounding down some of the worst brands in the history of beer (or cans of those fruity “spritzers” labeled as having “zero juice”), the average person pees four to 16 fluid ounces every four hours.

So, even if Skip Day were a conclave of Mormon mariners, we are talking about 128 gallons of pee per thousand revelers every four hours. Authorities typically predict 6,000 to 7,000 people at these events, so do the math.

Nevermind. The answer is over 800 gallons of piss, even if everyone only goes once.

So, double it. This weren’t no Mormon conclave. Folks were day-drinking like lapsed Baptists. Boater Skip Day is a Florida tradition—otherwise known as a sandbar party. Check ’em out on YouTube. You’ll hear the entertainers (sandbar parties are actually organized events) making jokes about people peeing in the water. Hahaha.

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So, what’s the harm? Other than the yuk-factor, probably not much, but not nothing either.

Conventional wisdom holds that urine is sterile, especially compared to that other human industrial byproduct, but that isn’t actually true. For example, medical experts say, urinary tract infections and other viral infections can be spread through contact with urine. Otherwise, why would moms force us to wash our hands after using the bathroom, or the head, as we call it those other, bigger boats.

An everything bagel of law enforcement was on hand to keep an eye on Boater Skip Day attendees, having issued warnings about lifejackets and not boating under the influence, etc. None of the advance warnings, however, addressed how to deal with calls of nature.

Head Mistress

The boating world has an expert on boat toilets and associated issues. Her name is Peggy Hall, but she is often referred to as the “head-mistress.” (Get it?) She said the Boater Skip Day practice of relieving oneself while swimming or wading is righteous behavior.

According to Hall, it’s legal to urinate—or even poop—over the side of a boat directly into the water or while in the water. However, Hall says, if you put it in any container first, you cannot legally empty that container into any inland or coastal waters within three miles of the nearest point on the whole U.S. coastline.

All those Boater Skip ladies who thought using a solo cup was an elegant alternative to the community pee-pool were actually breaking federal law unless they took red cup and contents home with them. As Hall says, you have to be at least three miles into the ocean before you can legally employ the old “bucket-and-chuck-it” method.

Even though we are perfectly designed for the hang-ten maneuver, the legal sanctions for males peeing in public can be severe. Peeing “en plein air,” as the French would say, is a Florida misdemeanor that can result in a criminal record. Never mind that the feds are okay with it, in Florida you’ll be lucky if you can avoid getting your name on a sex-offender list.

Pro-Tip

You’ve come to the part of the story that provides useful advice to future Skip Day skippers.

Many of the conscientious objecters to Boater Skip Day call the St. Johns River “slow moving,” as if it were a fetid pool. That is actually not true. At Bayard Point, the scene of the crime, the St. Johns is still affected by tides, and they run up to nearly a half knot, which is more than a half a mile-per-hour. If you think that’s no big deal, try swimming against it sometime.

High tide yesterday was at around 12:30 p.m., so the noon crowd would have enjoyed a little extra warmth in the water at slack. After that, the rising tide would have carried pee southward through the crowd.

When you pull up to the party in your Carolina Skiff named (yuk yuk) Cirrhosis of the River, you can determine which way the tide is running by dropping anchor. Assuming the anchor is deployed from the bow, or, as some would say, the front of the boat, the end with the outboard motor will point in the direction the current is flowing.

Now that you know the flow, re-anchor your boat on the upstream edge of Party Central. The water there will be pee-free, except yours of course. You’ll be happy to know that the river will carry yours downstream, spreading your fluid amongst the frolicking throng, and, as I hinted earlier, helping to raise the temperature of the water just a wee bit.