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Today Is Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day. Please Don’t – Loose Cannon

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Today Is Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day. Please Don’t

Here’s What One Old Pirate Was Like. Why Would You Wanna Talk Like Him?

Peter Swanson

Sep 19

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James Bulger was master of the *Hell’s Winter,* which he used to raise holy hell down island.

Let’s start in 1665. After stints in His Majesty’s prison, Captain James Bulger sailed from Boston aboard a captured Spanish galleon renamed Hell’s Winter. Bulger intended to use the ship to make mischief on the Spanish Main. He would not face justice for what he was about to do for another 46 years.

He and his crew robbed their way through the Caribbean. They forced merchants and shippers to pay protection money, killing rivals and innocent civilians alike. Bulger’s greatest accomplishment, however, was a secret deal he made with the British Navy.

The deal was supposed to ensure that the Navy would leave Bulger and his men alone in exchange for information about rival pirate bands. While Bulger did provide some intelligence to the Navy, the naval officers with whom he was dealing became so compromised that Bulger was able to use them to ascertain royal warship schedules and learn about important changes in British government policy. He, not they, pulled the strings.

At one point, he supplied weapons to support a murderous criminal uprising against the government of one of the islands. Bulger got his hands on an opium shipment and got half the island of New Providence addicted before the supply ran out.

And the killing never stopped. Mostly, he shot people with his pistols, but not always. Bulger once used an sailmaker’s awl to stab to death a disobedient crewman. He strangled the first mate’s mistress because he suspected her of being an informant.

His crew noticed that the boss had an odd habit. After killing someone—the mistress, for example—Bulger would retire to his cabin to take a nap.

Eventually, the British Navy disassociated itself with Bulger, and the officers he had co-opted faced criminal charges. Realizing that his business model had been shattered, Bulger took the substantial treasure he had accumulated and went into hiding. It took the British 16 years to find him and return him to Boston to face trial.

Whitey’s mugshot, at right, is recreated as the 17th Century buccaneer “James Bulger.” Whitey was boss of the Winter Hill Gang, which operated for decades in Boston.

Not Really

Naw. There was no real “pirate” named James Bulger. That was actually the story of Boston gangster James “Whitey” Bulger, who was the second most wanted man in the United States at the time when Osama Bin Laden was number one. I chose Whitey for my pirate example because he is good stand-in for the real pirates of the Caribbean—and because I am a snob. My home state of Massachusetts is a place of superlatives, including in the psychopathic-criminal category.

Which describes many, if not most pirate bosses back then.

Johnny Depp’s portrayal of Jack Sparrow in the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” is pure genius, but so is his role as Bulger in “Black Mass.” Had they been contemporaries, Whitey would have happily strangled the likeable Jack Sparrow and then gone for a nap.

Get the picture? Whitey Bulger was a murdering psychopath. Depp didn’t play Jack Sparrow that way, but if he had, it would have been historically accurate.

Here I will quote an expert on piracy. Brandon Prins is a professor of Political Science at the University of Tennessee. In an article published in The Conversation on July 14, Prins wrote:

Depp’s pirate portrayal was inspired by seafaring bandits in older make-believe tales, such as Long John Silver in “Treasure Island,” Captain Hook in “Peter Pan,” or sailor Edmond Dantès in “The Count of Monte Cristo.”
Pirates in these stories were mischievous but also glamorous, courageous and mostly kindhearted. They wore flashy costumes. They had missing limbs, like Captain Cook’s iron hook for a left hand and Long John Silver’s wooden peg leg. They buried treasure chests of gold and silver, forced enemies to walk the plank and had talking parrots as shipboard companions. They flew the Jolly Roger skull and crossbones flag from the ship’s mast to frighten enemies…
While fun, these portrayals of pirates are mostly invented.

As far as treasure, sure they got their hands on some gold and silver, but much of their time was spent just trying to feed themselves.

There’s this book “The Pirates of Panama: A True Account of the Famous Adventures and Daring Deeds of Sir Henry Morgan and Other Notorious Freebooters of the Spanish Main.” It was written in 1674 by John Esquemeling, described as “one of the buccaneers present at those tragedies.”

Against the backdrop of daring deeds, etc. was the fact that the pirates were often starving. They failed at one of the most important principles of siege warfare: They would run out of food before the people in the city they surrounded. Eventually, they would agree to leave if the people in the city would just give them some food to eat.

Yep. They came for the gold and rubies and left with a ham sandwich. How glamorous is that?

You’re not 11 years old anymore. So, FFS, please don’t talk like a pirate. And quit playing pirate dress-up. Pirates were horrible human beings. They were hanged for a reason.

LOOSE CANNON covers hard news, technical issues and nautical history. Every so often he tries to be funny. Subscribe for free to support the work. If you’ve been reading for a while—and you like it—consider upgrading to paid

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